Voyage

Hmmmmmm…(stretching). Today I woke up feeling a bit lightheaded. I wasn’t sure if I woke up in the wrong side of the bed or what. It just doesn’t seem perfect. Feeling cranky. I did not do anything last night. I did not drink any alcoholic beverages or took any drug that would make me feel like hell upon waking up. I just had dinner with my gf in one of the local fancy restaurants which specializes in breads and pasta. We had to talk. I have to tell her about me and an encounter with an ex gf. I and my ex chatted the night before that dinner. She was telling me that she’s pregnant. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe what she’s saying. I couldn’t understand what other words she said upon hearing the bad news. I mean not her. I was so worried. Worried for her not for myself because I am certain that I am not the father. I was worried that the child would grow up without a father. Will be living a life incomplete.

Upon knowing that she’s in a dilemma, I decided to meet her on her father’s birthday (that would be next week). Have plans of sharing the agony I thought she’s having at the moment. Having the thought that she could use a shoulder to lean on, arms to hold and give a warm embrace, ears willing to listen, lips that could utter words of empathy and a heart willing to give love to a friend in need.

But of course I have to impart my plans to my girl. After visiting the wake of her student’s father we visited the Blessed Sacrament. It is still not late. As I looked at my watch, it is only 7:30 in the evening. We went in. No one’s there except for a middle aged woman ardently saying her prayers. I half knelt to give honor to the Holy Eucharist. She went on and I followed her to her seat. Soon as I have settled and relaxed I closed my eyes and felt His presence as I used to. I said the usual prayers I am asking Him often but this time it is different. I was asking Him to give me the courage to tell my girl about my plans. Asking that I will be able to deliver my thoughts perfectly and not offend her nor even ruin the night in any way. I have to be honest to her. I see her as a woman who deserves all honesty.

After a while, we went out the Blessed Sacrament. We looked for a place to dine. I suggested a place where we could talk quietly. She was worried earlier for I have told her in passing that I am going to tell her something. Told her I need a hug. She doesn’t know it was meant to ease up the tension I am feeling right at that moment. Finally, we went in the restaurant and settled in a corner near the counter. I ordered baked lasagna, potato salad and lemon juice for my lady. I couldn’t care less what I ordered. Just as long as it’s decent and edible. Clock ticking. Heartbeat pounding. I can see that she is worried. Too much (I guess). She’s thinking deep in her thoughts. Am waiting for the perfect timing. My head’s in a jam. Words are lost. At last! I found the right words to say. Took a deep breath, “last night, me and my ex chatted”, I said. Whew! That’s it. My mouth continuously uttering words of which I did not keep track of. It’s as if I have pushed the playback button of a portable cd player. Kept on playing until I push STOP. It’s as if I’m driving in a highway alone in the middle of a strong rainy and windy night. Just driving fast to reach home safe and sound.

All the world around us seem to seize from evolving as I continue with my bustle at that moment. Subsequent to what I have all said. I was so happy I was able to deliver nice and brief. Everyone in the place could see the smile in my face. It feels like a big splinter has been pulled out of my flesh. But upon looking straight back at her face. She became sad.

I was so selfish. The desire to be honest to her drove me to madness. I did not realize that talking about my ex would ruin the night. She said nothing. I was asking for her opinion about my plans. Still she said nothing. For a moment she was motionless. Maybe it was that for a time she thought I was the father. Maybe she was thinking I still love her. Suddenly, I thought of defending myself without having to hear her thoughts. Told her that my ex would still and will always be a part of me. I will not be who I am today without having her in my life. Told her I have learned the life and love’s lesson because of my ex. But still my effort to defend myself was futile. Still will not bring the momentum back. From a happy upright face to a sad sloppy one. I was so sorry that night. Dinner is over. We went out. Tried to go somewhere else to forget about what had happened. She refused to. She insisted on going home. I tried to caress her with my sweet loose tight embrace as we went out. I have given a pat on her shoulder. Hold her nose. Kissed her cheeks. Her forehead. Then a half tight embrace as we walk side by side towards the street that leads her way home. She changed her mind. She asked to go with me. She likes to ride the van. Maybe she was just making sure that I am going straight home after sending her off. Said our goodnights. I walked back home.

(Sigh..) It was a tiresome day. Feeling restless. Exhausted. Used up. I went immediately to my room and changed clothes. I could not think of anything but to open my notebook and log on to yahoo. I want to see if she’s online again. It was the same time she was on the night before. Duh… this thing is taking too long. It won’t open fast. Can’t wait! I wasn’t sure if am excited or I just wanted to see if she’s okay. Finally, I was logged in to yahoo. She’s not there. But at the back of my head I was thinking of my girlfriend. Thinking how painful it was. How much I have hurt her feelings. I was so insensitive. Damn! Picked up my phone and texted her. She replied. She said she’s okay. Just what I needed to hear (or read in that case).

I fell asleep waiting. Moments later I got up only to pee. Went back to my room and about to shutdown the notebook when I saw her messages. I was excited to talk to her. We exchanged words. Excitement died down. Eagerness to chat turned to regrets. Pushing and pulling back. Words of qualms. Misgivings. Uncertainties.

Matt: cge na I have to go na.

Yvonne: sige mag usap na nga kayo ng gf mo

Matt: kausap ko

Matt: heheh

Matt: ex ko?

Yvonne: heh

Matt: sige nood pa ako dvd. painted veil

Yvonne: bahala ka

Matt: teka sino ba talga ama?

Yvonne: bakit mo ba gustong malaman? ha?

Matt: nag share ka rin lang eh di lubusin mo na

Matt: si roy ba?

Yvonne: hellowwwwwwww?

Matt: rico? jason? alfred?

Yvonne: i only slept with one guy..my goodness….what do you think of me?

Matt: sabi ko sino? i did not say lahat sila

Yvonne: pero ang daming mong pinag isipan

Matt: kilala mo nman akong mahilig mag isip eh

Yvonne: yeah

Matt: what made u do that?

Yvonne: do what?

Matt: slept with him because u feel like? because u love him? because you thought he is the one?

Yvonne: both. i mean all of the above .well…i don’t feel he’s the one

Matt: for curiosity? what it feels like?

Yvonne: lahat.. i was hoping he’s the one

Matt: sana dun n lang sa taong handa kang mahalin hanggang sa huli

Yvonne: see….you said you can still accept me kahit na ano pang pinagdaanan ko

Matt: i still do

Yvonne: then now you’re telling me i should have done it with the one who i know is ready to love me and stand up for me

Matt: yeah.. sino ba un?

Yvonne: i cant tell you. none of the above

Yvonne: i want to be happy

Matt: well how can u be happy?

Yvonne: i dont know

Matt: try mo kaya mag madre. st. louise ikaw ba yan?

Yvonne: tse! hindi na pwede

Matt: bkit? dhil di ka na virgin or dahil magkakaanak ka na?

Yvonne: no really i’m serious…will you still accept me if you know i’m like this? halimbawa lang

Matt: geeeeez Yvonne!

Yvonne: that’s out of the options your know

Matt: di mo lang alam kung gano mo winawasak puso ko ngayon

Yvonne: ha? bakit? i’m just asking

Yvonne: i’m not saying you leave your gf for me

Matt: cmon i have loved u for like… forever and you know that!

Yvonne: i’m just asking. wala na ksing lalaking ganyan

Matt: malalim ang ugat dito sa puso ko Yvonne

Matt: wla pa kami 1 month ng gf ko. kw… nothing has changed

Yvonne: kahit ganito ako? bat ganyanka?

Matt: eh mahal nga kita eh. kw lang ang minahal ko ng ganito…buong buhay ko

Matt: the only thing is… i dunno when ur serious about things and when u are just playing. which makes a big fool out of me

Yvonne: i never played. when i love, i just do. ayoko makasakit. i cannot fully love because i dont know what i really want in life

Matt: kahit na!… basta isa lang ang alam ko… MAHAL KITA

Matt: u will learn to love.. just start by staying contented with what u have.. and what is being offered to you… dont look for more..

Yvonne: i just hope i’m like that. tama lang naman di ba?

Matt: u can be like that… u are the pilot of your own self…your own life. dont let your hopes and dreams ruin that for you

Yvonne: i dont know what else to say. maybe i’ll just stay single forever. ok lang

Matt: YVONNE….

Yvonne: no Matt, I AM NOT PREGNANT!. but i will definitely have a child. i want to have one. kahit wala nang ama

Matt: u r toring me into pieces again..

Matt: SEE?!! What u are doing???!! u made me cry again for the wrong reason

Matt: do you ever realize what u are doing to me???!!!!!

Yvonne: stop it!….love yourself and love your gf. marry her if you feel she’s the one. i dont deserve you. you are too good for me

Matt: no, you are the one!

Yvonne: i dont deserve you

Yvonne: i dont deserve you

Yvonne: i dont deserve you

Matt: bakit ba ganan ka? baka naman its the other way. “you dont deserve me”

Yvonne: hindi ka magiging masaya sakin because i’m bad. Matt you know yourself. you know i’m telling the truth na mabuti kang tao

Matt: akala mo lang Yvonne. di ako isang mabuting tao… mabait lang ako..

Yvonne: no. you are a good person

Matt: mali k ng pagkakilala sken

Yvonne: you deserve to be happy. kilala kita Matt

Matt: no you don’t. di mo ako kilala. not at all. am a bad person as well

Yvonne: i know you better than all of your past and even present gf

Yvonne: dont try to be nice to me by saying you’re bad too……..gayagaya!

Yvonne: Matt.. be serious na with your gf. love her. i know you do i feel na siya na ang papakasalan mo..

Matt: mahal ko na sya.. at masaya ako sa kanya.

Matt: but its funny… how u manipulate me with all of that…

Yvonne: manipulate?

Matt: yeah… no matter how u say it… it still feels like i am being manipulated. first.. naging tayo thinking na mahal mo rin ako…

Yvonne: i dont want to hear any of that.. please…

Matt: second.. asking for marriage, third… telling me all the lies thatur pregnant!!! Why?! Trying to draw my attention away from my gf?!

Matt: geeeeeeeeeeez Yvonne… dont u ever get tired of hurting people????!!!!! dont you!!!!?????

Yvonne: sorry…that will be the last. sige na magalit ka na sakin

Matt: knowing that i am ready to give up anything and everything just for you

Yvonne: i wont allow you to do that. you think i would allow it? allow you to ruin your life just for me? i wouldn’t do that

Matt: yeah u already did!!!!!! well its easy for you to tell lies and all that

Yvonne: i accept. sige na kasalanan ko. this is the last time i’ll talk to you

Matt: oo kasalanan ko lhat!!!!! isa akong malaking gago! isang akong gago for falling in love to a girl like you! no man ever deserves you!!!!!

Yvonne: sige na sabihin mo na lahat ng sama ng loob mo sakin. i know that. you dont have to tell me

Matt: magbago ka na… para maging masaya ka na.. o baka nman masaya ka sa lhat ng pinagggwa mo???!!!

Yvonne: ano pa?

Matt: i’m sorry….

Yvonne: sinabi mo na eh. ok lang. alam ko lahat yun. nasabi mo na ba lahat?

Matt: I just hope u find your happiness…..

Yvonne: sige na goodbye

Yvonne has signed out. (4/23/2007 9:31 PM)

Yvonne has signed back in to SMS. (4/23/2007 9:31 PM)

After the storm had passed. Troubles had been settled. Chaos now in order. Everything is back in places as it used to. Trees that were affected by the turmoil have lost all its branches and all its leaves. All its inhabitants were forced to find another safe place to live. The insects and the birds. All that’s left to a tree is its strong thick trunk, some of its old branches and its deep seated roots. And from those branches will emerge a new sprout that will turn into a new, young and soon to be strong branch where the green leaves will emerge. It will attract all its inhabitants back. From those branches will the birds build its nest and survive. From those branches will the insects lay its eggs and produce new ones.

What had happened between me and my ex was just another storm that a normal human being has survived from. Finally, a closure. We are never to be together anymore. I just hope one thing… that is for us to be friends again. Plain old friends!

Lessons have to be learned from the experience. I may have lost something from the storm and was about to give in but I surely got something from it. I may have lost my old self from the occurrence and was about to stop hoping but it’s unquestionably that I have found the new me. Ready to face the new challenges. Ready to love again. Ready, willing and able to offer my very precious time and effort to the new love that I have found. Hoping it will not be another sad experience. Hoping it will be better this time around. Another new life. A new beginning. A totally different thing. I just hope you are the one I have been looking for all my life… I Love You!